LOL thats some funny shit right there.

I got one for you

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes or no."

Oh and this one too

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body."

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

T~~~Honey you are just toooo funny:) LMAO Those were so cute and sooo funny!!! xoxxoxoxoxo

Ha Ha!! Very funny CG!!

You know you're a real Country Girl if...

1.You ever cut your grass and found a car.
2.You own a homemade fur coat.
3.Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
4.There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
5.The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
6.You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
7.You pick your teeth from a catalog.
8.directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
9.your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
10.You've ever used lard in bed.
11.Your family tree doesn't have any branches.
12.Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
13.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
14.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
15.Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
16.The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"
17.You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
18.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
19.You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
20.Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
21.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
22.You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
23.Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
24.When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
25.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
26.Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
27.You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
28.You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
29.The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
30.You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
31.Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
32.You can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.
33.Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
34.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
35.You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
36.You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with

Soooo funny~~~~Buuuuut thats not the same COUNTRY I'm from !!!!! hahaahah YOU????

The kinda COUNTRY GIRL I am is>>>

1: We believe in God:)
2: We know how to drive tractors!
3: We know how to bait a trot line(you know what that is?)hehe
4: We can shoot rifles, shotguns and pistols! 5: We know how to change a flat tire!
6: We can paddle a boat or operate the motor on our lil 10 footer!
7: We can eat our own cooking and make the best gumbo in the world!!!
8: We hate shopping!!!
9: We protect those we luv~even if it means getting down and dirty!!
10: We can dance from dusk till dawn and still take care of the kids!
11: We are happy wearing cutoff shorts and t-shirts but luv dressing up for our guys!!!
12: And (#1 is the BEST), but these COUNTRY GIRLS make the BEST lovers!!!!


Now that's the kinda COUNTRY GIRL I AM:)

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!', slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' he wife says

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Subject: little vito......very funny!!!!!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Vito.

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE VITO ON MORE MATH

Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks Little Vito's father?

"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'?. I said '6," replies Little Vito.

"But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks Little Vito's father..

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE VITO ON ENGLISH

Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words, Class. Does anybody
have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

L ittle Vito says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Vito, that's a mouthful."

Little Vito says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow-job."

LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR

Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please
use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you
to go."

Little Vito, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE VITO ON MORE GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful
in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
Little Vito. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told
my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just fucking
beautiful!"

LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER

Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Vito answered, "No He minded his own fucking business.."

Sorry CG...the last one is a little crass but I had to...

Wooooooow Dumb~you are soooooooo funny!!!!! Thanks for making the forum a nice place to visit now:) xoxxoxoxoxxoo Those were excellent and lil Vito sounds like a fuuuuun guy too:) LMAO