Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Problem : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Problem : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Room is spinning.
Problem : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Problem : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Problem : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Problem : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom : Bar blurred.
Problem : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Bar moving.
Problem : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.
Problem : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Problem : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Problem : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Problem : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Problem : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!