LMAO ...very funny , TY.
please add more..

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.





The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.





Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.





What can he do?





Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.





Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"





The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."





A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the Clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and Asks: 'So, Murphy how was yer day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The farst one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did Sir' says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Ask the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a Young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the Blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everythin including her Bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I've not seen any man!'
'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'


A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,




"No, I Norwegian".


Catholic girls in heaven:
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls
and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates
when St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any
contact with a male organ?

She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once
touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question
'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well,
once I fondled and stroked one.'
St. Pet er says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the
Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches
the front, St. Peter says, 'Reeva, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.'

Hiii:) Have you heard yet???

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra!!

3% vitamin E, 2% aspirin, 2% ibuproen, 1% vitamin C, 5% spray starch and 87% Fix-a-Flat!!!

What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS???

A bitch who can dind you ass anywhere!

Dang it!!! :( That's FIND your .....

its nice to see something on the forum thats not a bitch ty city fox 4 starting this I lmao

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend
you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do a bout that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very e xcited and says, 'Y es, I'm single and
Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK......
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

----i hate long jokes------

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness


Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy.

Dictionary: the only place where marriage comes before sex


Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

nice funny and to the point

A guy walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool. He gets the bartenders attention and orders 10 shots of Tequila. The bartender pauses for a second, but eventually pours the shots and lines them up on the bar. Immediately the man starts downing the shots one by one in a matter of seconds.

The bartender is intigued by this, so he says to the man, "what's the occasion?". The man tells the bartender, "I just had my first blow job".

The bartender says, "that's great, let me buy you another shot!!!".

The man quickly says "No thanks. If the first 10 shots didn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will".

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.


There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.