A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the
job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how
many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

£124,237.64

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell
him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.


Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that.

I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too.

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.

What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.

What does your wife look like?' The old guy says,

'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Johnnie went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost
had an affair with my neighbor." the priest said, "What do you mean,
'almost'" johnnie said, "well, I'm home all day and so is she, so we
got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." the priest
said, "rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to
see that woman again. For your penance, say five hail Marys and put
$50 in the poor box." johnnie left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to
him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
johnnie replied, "yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said - Last night our clock cuckooed three times, said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted